So have you ever seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? OF COURSE YOU HAVE! I mean, it would be hard to find someone who hasn't, given their popularity and number of adaptations. But have youy seen the 1990 live-action movie? The one with the creepy animatronic turtle suits? Because you probably should. It's entertaining and cheesy and a lot of the things I will talk about will make more sense if you've seen it.
Anyways, on to my story! My name is Sam, and I've been a fan of TMNT ever since my mom bought a few episodes of the cartoon on a VHS tape back during my childhood in thye 90s. Skip forward to December 2012 when I find out about some lost director's cut of the 1990 film from a 90s nostalgia forum. The guy who talked about it said nobody should find it, because apparently it's evil or something? I just disregarded most of what that guy said. He was obviously a bit off his rocker, to say the least... I asked if he knew where it was, to which he replied that it's buried in some forest in texas that I forgot the name of. But he warned me not to dig it up. I told him that i was going to dig it up anyway, and he just said "may Eastman and Laird have mercy on your soul."
I got into my car and drove from my Colorado home to Texas, and the forest wasn't hard to find. The tape, however, wasn't. The tape itself, once I dug it up, was molded in bright green, and had a little doodle of a ninja turtle on it. By the time I drove back home, it was late and I went to bed, and decided to watch it in the morning. The next day I woke up, ate breakfast, cleaned the dirt off the tape, and popped that bad boy into my VCR. But I wasn't ready... For how terrible it was, that is!
At first, the movie was pretty much the same, except it wasn't recorded as well, and the lines were cheesier and it was just generally worse than the final cut. At least it was until splinter started explaining his story. You see, instead of cutting strait to the flashback, it cut to a rather strange shot. Michelangelo was sitting motionless in a wooden chair, in a small room illuminated by a dim lamp on a side-table next to him. He was making this weird face at the camera with bulging eyes and his teeth bared. The camera simply just zoomed into his eye very slowly. And I mean VERY slowly. it was super boring. By the time the camera zoomed all the way into his eye, the flashback appeared in his pupil. I almost cheered when that scene was over. Another thing that was weird about this scene that wasn't in the final version was Oroko Saki impaled Hamato Yoshi with his katana. Hamato Yoshi then exploded. Though it wasn't Hyper-Realistic, more like Hyper-unrealistic. I could probably do better.
The next weird things were at the fight scene with Shredder at the end of the film. For some reason, the turtle's faces were just moving rapidly and randomly, with no ryme or reason. They didn't talk either. Then they put him in the trash compactor and they went back to normal. April then tried to sell the idea of a TMNT comic to some guy, which, unlike a lot of other things, I expected to happen, because I knew that's how the film was supposed to end.
By the time the film ended, I realised just how bad this version truly was. I mean, it was AWFUL! I had to destroy it. So I ejected it and threw it in my waffle iron until it was no longer recognisable. Then I buried my waffle iron with the tape still inside in my backyard, hoping nobody would find it. An that concludes my tale of a parcticularly bad director's cut, how I found it, and how I destroyed it.
THE END???